maddy fresh

contemplate;

2010-06-28T12:13:00.000-07:00

It's been a hell of a long time since I actually got on here. I figured I'd give a little update. In less than a month, I'll be starting school to be a medical assistant. This has me more excited than I thought I would be. I'm still on the hunt for a job. This economy is killing me! There's also a new somebody in my life. We're not officially together but she's doing her job at keeping me happy so I'll call her my significant other. :)

angels cry,

2010-02-05T19:10:00.000-08:00

I always promised myself that I'd be honest with myself at all times, regardless of the consequences, but at this point I don't even know what to tell me. Recently, I had the pleasure of a certain someone walking into my life, connecting with me on multiple levels, then walking right back out. It's caught me totally off guard and I'm not sure exactly how to react. I'm not the weak, crying type but I've shed tears behind this certain person on a few occasions, making me even more confused wondering why and how I could possibly care this much. Continuing my promised honesty with myself, I feel so stupid on so many different levels because I allowed myself to get wrapped up into something I knew wasn't going to end in my favor. Family and friends keep trying to reassure me that it's not stupidity that's got me in this position, but that it's a matter of the heart wanting what the heart wants. Question is, do I go about obtaining it or just write it off as bad timing? Decisions, decisions. Give a whole new meaning to being between a rock and a hard place.

who dat?!

2010-01-25T00:22:00.000-08:00

After being glued to the tv, right on the edge of my seat, the score board tied up at 28-28, the Saints brought it home with a field goal! That's right, baby! We're headed to Miami for that SUPERBOWL! This is history. I hop in the car with my bestfriend to go to Academy to get a superbowl shirt & the line was wrapped all the way around the damn store. Excited, much?!

my journey; step one.

2010-01-20T15:46:00.000-08:00

There's nothing in life that I hate more than a liar. With that being said, honesty is the biggest part of what attracts me to an individual. Not only simple honesty, but the honesty that's hard to offer. Being real with someone even when you know the outcome may not be favorable on your part. Truth that goes along with discomfort. Nothing makes me respect a person more than that. I'm not looking for perfection, by any means. I am, however, in it to win it. People are running me around in circles with lies & confusion until I'm nothing short of dizzy. I'm pushing twenty & there's things in life that I have no desire to experience. People claiming they're young so they don't want anything serious. Since when did being young constitute you to playing games? Rather than pretend I don't care, I tell you that I do. Nevertheless, I can't waste my time on someone who has no idea where they want to be. Life has a journey in store for me & whether I've got someone to hold my hand through it all or not, I still have to make that trip. I know what I deserve, therefore I'm on my pursuit of happiness, at any cost. Time is of the essence. On a ligher note, I'm single again. Things with my previous significant other didn't work out quite the way I imagined it would. I bare no hard feelings towards her, we're just in two different directions in our lives. I have every bit of faith that life is leading me in the right direction.

2010 is MY year;

2010-01-01T18:35:00.000-08:00

This isn't the first time I've been let down & I'm pretty sure it won't be the last. Nothing has changed when it comes to what people do but what is changing is the way I react. You wanna leave? Get your shit & get packing. You wanna lie to me? Fuck you & your half-truths. Life is what you make it so starting today I'm going to make my life exactly what I want it to be. If you don't like it then you know your way out. Looking in from the outside you might think I have reason to panic but I've seen worse times so I know shit will pull itself together. That's the dangerous part about someone who's been damaged, we know we'll make it through. Updates. I'm no longer attending college at Southeastern for this semester. What can I say? I fucked up. I'm getting a job & working on getting my car situation set up. Things can only go up from here. My relationship status is single but unavailable. Someone has my attention. This is subject to change at any time. Not because she's done anything, but because I've learned that you never know what to expect with females. The minute you're secure in where you stand, they'll rip the ground right from underneath you. Regardless, I'm digging my lovemuffin. :) A lot has changed this year. Some of the people I thought would always be around have been eliminated. There are also some new heads in my life. I'm taking the first step to better my life. Either you're down or you're out. You're choice.

never, ever land;

2009-10-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

I wish that for once I could just get a break. Just a small breather from the bullshit. I can't get one second away from it. Seems like everyday, everytime I open up I get shot back down. People who claim to be there, aren't. The people who should be, can't. I look around and feel more alone now than ever. I take a step back to view my life from outside & realize that the people who say they love me the most are the ones hindering my happiness. Keep your sob stories, I'm totally fed up. No more room to stomach your dishonesty. Next time you think of calling me, think twice. I don't want to play the victim anymore. I want to be the heroine in my life's story.. I'm staying positive. Nevertheless, a brief intermission from the lies and disappointment would work wonders. I need to gather my thoughts, belongings, heart & hop on my spaceship into never, ever land. Destination, happiness. Returning, never.

putting my life into perspective;

2009-10-04T09:03:00.001-07:00

my life is completely fucked, actually. thanks for asking. (not) i have a whole ass-ton of people IN my life but a large percentage of them aren't shit. i know that my life isn't the worst. they have people who have it/have had it WAY worse than i have but at the same time i've seen my fair share of hurt, pain, betrayal, etc etc. i've walked around for the past, i'll say, 6 years without trusting a soul. nobody & i mean NOBODY. i shut people out. i push people away. i know i do it. i don't deny it & i don't like the fact that i do it & i know that that's why things haven't worked out with me in my relationships/friendships. don't get me wrong; they fucked over me & they didn't DESERVE my trust but i never would have gave it to them even if they did. that puts me in the wrong just as much as them. i've been running around like a damn chicken with my head cut off looking for somebody to love me when i really just need to learn to love my damn self. i need to find out who my true friends are. i just need to find one person that i can tell everything. everything that's ever happened to me. somebody who is utterly trustworthy that won't tell a soul of the many things that fill my past. just gotta figure out who can be that person. recent conversations have pushed me to realize that my trust issues aren't protecting, me which is the point of being scared in the first place, they're hindering me. i don't wanna get hurt but shit i'm hurting myself. i want trust. i want love. all of the above. i told shelby that i'm so busy trying to play superman for my friends when i can't even save myself & that's real talk. i know that a postivie attitude creates a positive environment & i'm attempting to have my life as positive as i can make it. so i want to apologize to anyone & everyone that i ever pushed away or shut out. anybody i ever hurt with harsh words. anybody who i've disappointed because i couldn't trust them. i'm trying my best. i have to force myself to trust. i can't keep getting comfortable being alone because alone isn't getting me anywhere so i'm just running in circles of confusion & fighting myself. i need stability. fair warning; if i seem distant for awhile don't get worried or scared for me. i'm trying to better myself to be better for y'all. i owe myself & the people who really care for me better than what i've been giving. i plan to give it. by 2010 i plan to have my life in complete balance. let's see if i can meet that goal. :) so let me reintroduce myself. my name is madison. what's your's?

lying bitches;

2009-07-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that more than 2/3 of the female population can't tell the truth if you paid them to. What is it about lying that makes females feel so complete? I'm the type of person that will tell you the truth no matter the consequences and I'll be honest about it, the truth doesn't always set you free. Sometimes it makes things difficult but its always the right thing to do. I can't stand a liar for anything in this world. I hate having to find out the truth on my own after somebody has lied to me. It just pisses me off to the 100th degree. I swear females that think they can play me or "pull the wool over my eyes" have another thing coming. I've been there, done that, seen that. I'll sit back and watch everything you do & say then come out of left field when I cut that ass off. Never play games with a female that can play them better. Anyways, off that lying bitch. Life is going pretty good as of right now. I'm right where I wanna be in life. College is right around the corner & I've got somebody really special in my life who has finally decided she's completely for me. Ahhhh, the feelings I got when she told me that are just undescribable. She is everything I strive to have. College fees are just now coming in and its about 5,000 dollars a semester so I have to get on my shit & file for these student loans. Can't have any of my classes dropping. Until the next time SMOOCHES!

crying shame;

2009-07-22T16:36:00.001-07:00

After all this time you would have thought I would have learned my lesson with her. But, Madison being Madison I just had to give her the benefit of the doubt. I was right to assume we couldn't be friends. She's too busy trying to play superman for somebody who doesn't need saving. What a pity but I'm not playing superwoman for her because she used to be my kryptonite. I'll just take this as another harsh lesson learned. I decided I need no one but my damn self and as mean and antisocial as that may seem, its true. Human beings, as a whole, are full of shit. People tell you exactly what you want to hear to reap things they want from you, regardless of how you think or feel about the end product. Everyone in the world, in short, is a sales person. Trying to auction off themselves as people they never were and never will be. The general population may hold about %.01 real, genuine people left after all the lies are removed. Lately, I've been feeling so discouraged by people in general that its ridiculous. I swear sometimes I wish I could be a robot and remove all traces of feelings from myself. People take your feelings and run with them. Maybe I missed the class in school where they taught you to manipulate somebody's feelings and use them against that person but some people are pros at that shit. We're a generation taught to hate ourselves and anybody else who supports change. It becomes a real pity when you can't even trust at all. Its like people eat, shit, breath, and live ignorance. I'll be buying my first class ticket to any other planet if they find one that can sustain life just so I can escape the madness. You down to ride?

newnew shit.

2009-07-14T00:11:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhhhhhh, new layout. I love love love it! Today was a pretty good day. Went swimming & then chilled the rest of the day away. Just figured I'd post a little something something in light of my banging new layout. ChaChing! Btw, I miss her.

summer 09'♥

2009-05-28T03:37:00.000-07:00

Graduation was a breeze. It was hot as panther piss but I don't think I've ever been that excited. I finally crossed over that huge milestone in my life and I feel great about it. I'm single again but this time I feel like its what's best for me. I'm at this point in my life where I don't think there's anything another person can offer me right now that I absolutely need. I'm missing the fuck out of my Ashley, though. Can't deny she's on my mind constantly but I know she's doing what she needs to do to secure her future so I'm not salty about it. College is taken care of so far. My orientation date is July 15-16th and I get to go the same time as my bfff China so I'm pretty ecstatic about that. As of right now I'm just enjoying my life and relaxing. I bleached my hair today and I'm putting my red in it after I re-bleach it to make it lighter. I love it, though. Finally got my lip pierced which I was so freaking psyched out about. Basically, life is going pretty good for me at the moment. But, I'm holding my breath. Things tend to go wrong when you least expect it. Maybe one day I'll be able to exhale.

as of right now

2009-05-05T20:56:00.000-07:00

First things first I think I need to take a minute to breathe. College bullshit has my at my wits end with stress. I have to pay for my college completely with student loans and I have not even the slightest clue where to start to get one of these fuckers. Then, I have to get my shots so I can send my records in with my application fee so that I can apply to room with my bfff. Its just pissing me off because I hate not being able to just do something. Second thing I just HAVE to mention is I'm so about to graduate. Tomorrow is the last day of my high school career and I'll be honest; I really have mixed feelings about it. I'm so happy that its over on one hand but I'm so going to miss all my friends and teachers that I have to leave behind. And then I'm scared because the real world is about to hit me smack dab in the face, no numbing. Its okay, I'm very resilient, I'll bounce back. Why do I feel like every time I get the upper hand on my "situation" I just backslide right back into the madness? Why won't you just disappear? And why can't I really want you to? I want to burn you out of my memories but my heart isn't letting me. Anyways, I'm actually pretty happy with my life right now aside from that and the stress. My special someone just keeps making me smile. I'm so about to be out this bitch and I don't think I'm bringing you with me. I did mean what I said to you but push that shit aside because feelings are just that; feelings. They're all in my head and I know I have to and can control them. I may not be able to destroy them but I'm doing pretty good with not acting on them. Scratch that, I'm on my A game. You'll think of me while I'm on my road to my forever. :) "Someday, I'm gonna run across your mind but don't worry, I'll be fine. I'm gonna be alright. While you're sleeping with your pride, wishing I could hold you tight.. I'll be over you and on with my life." & that's all I motherfucking wrote. Toodles, bitches.

r e p l a c e d [the best you never had)

2009-04-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

The worst pain I've ever experienced. Working so hard towards something with someone and to have somebody give that away is worse then any pain physically inflicted, in my eyes. It doesn't matter what you do or say, that sting is always consuming you from the back of your mind. Questions about why things happened sneak into your thoughts. Was it my fault? What did I do wrong? Dear God, please let this one be different. I'm tired of people coming into my life thinking they can take take take take take and then leave once they've got what they came for. I have nothing left to give and its high time I get something back in return. I'm not a selfish person, I take joy from giving but you took everything I had. Goodluck getting even a smile now. I'm through with it and you. You're nothing but a sponge to me and I'm done giving to you. You showed me your true colors and they're just ugly shades of manipulation, anger, selfishness, and hate. We'll see who gets the last laugh this time. I'll be everything you wish you ever had and I'll be the best you never had. Watch and see.

day 1♥

2009-04-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

Trust me when I say "I'm scared". But, its something that has to be done for my own good. Not only am I scared, though. I'm motivated. My only fear is that I won't succeed. I know this is going to be hard but I think I'm up to the task, now. Just talking to her got me feeling all supercalifragilistic :) Yes, she has that effect on me. You'll be so amazed at the self-changes I'm making. Just stay tuned.

cry

2009-04-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the line I forgot who we both are. I don't think either of us know where this is headed. I'm trapped in a dark haze of confusion. I look right, I look left but all I see is scary, mind-numbing, yet comforting darkness. I only know one thing for certain and that is that you aren't here. You led me to this place, halfway between my sanity and forever and left me here. I widen my eyes in search of a glimpse of life, a familiar face, a hand on my shoulder, a taste of my future but I see nothing but my own mist of self-doubt. Chills down my spine remind me of how empty this place is. I fall to my knees and cry until my years burn my face. There is nothing left to do but cry. Release every bit of the sanity I've been attempting to hold onto. Just cry until no more sound can leak from my mouth. Yes, so sweet.

life in retrospec

2009-04-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

100,000,000 days away from you won't make this ease up. I wonder every day what purpose you served in my life. Some people come in your life for a season and stay a while giving you a reason to take temporary and think that its forever. I don't understand what lesson I could have possibly learned from the havoc you're wreaked upon my life. I don't want everything I want from you. I don't need everything I need from you. Nothing is sacred in my life anymore. You've seen everything speck of my life in a way that's not fair to anyone. I want nothing less for you than happiness but I'm tired of sacrificing my happiness for yours. Since I can't live with you or without you then I guess I won't live regardless unless I get over you. What it comes down to is I'm through with the madness. The people I've trusted let me down and who's to blame? Life is a cruel combonation of ups, downs, hurt, pain, happiness, fun, friendships, and its all one big let down but you only get one so I want to live my let downs to the best of my abilities.

please let me testify

2009-03-31T22:26:00.000-07:00

You lied. Nothing else can explain the recent chain of unfortunate events. Lie after lie you've drug me further into this state of wondering, wishing, waiting. Too many late night tears I've drowned out my sorrow. I can't be sad anymore. People have told me so many time they're there for me but when the hard times thicken I look to both sides and find myself alone once again. Nothing left to do but figure out how to build my own life. I don't need you or want you. Sure, I'm alone but alone is steroids. I'm getting stronger everyday because I don't need help. Life doesn't have to be hard but what can say? Life is a series of mistakes, heartbreaks, fun times, disappointment, and growth. That's all I'm capable of doing is growing because I can't get much lower then rock bottom. I'm holding on because of my promise of a new future just ready to begin at any moment. I just have to let go of my past first. I must admit I need some stimulation. I decent conversation, a smile, a hug, someone who can understand me. The present is a gift and I have to take full advantage of every second I'm given on God's earth starting now. Don't get me wrong; I'm hurting. But I can either lay in my self-pity or show people who have hurt me how much I can really stand. I'm stronger than anybody could ever really understand. Don't fool yourself into thinking you'll really have me stuck forever. I'm too grown for that. You can't hold me down so don't waste your time. I'm done with things I know will hurt me. Get it? Got it? Good. Now we can both grow up.

(simply rambling]

2009-03-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

scar tissue;
Its still there no matter how hard I pretend that its fading away. It's not. The wound is still fresh and open. It still hurts worse then any pain I could have ever perceived to be my destiny. This isn't me anymore. As of right now I'm a shell of what I once was and what I'll never be again. How can I create a reality where everyone can see me for what's inside my soul and my true intentions? Its hard to understand why things happen the way they do. Hardship is kin to my nightmares that haunt me now that you're gone. Should I just lay down and let me heart die? I've bitten my tongue so many times the taste of blood won't leave my mouth. There's so many things I could, should, would say to you if only I could muster up the courage to even say one word again. I'm constantly convincing myself out of something I know is bad for me. How can the one thing that would make me happy be the one thing that would destroy me? I want to be the replacement for my replacement. Your voice still rings through my head and I hear you telling me you love me that night only for a brief moment because fast forwarding through my thoughts I see how quickly love turned into hate turned into resentment and now pain. I question whether or not you were ever there or a figment of my imagination. And if I created you then why did I hurt myself? Rather an unkind gesture of you to let me go. I walked away so many times hoping you'd stop me but that was never the case. Such a rude awakening to see your back turned and you fading into the distance. Every now and then I cry because of a war I'm stuck in. This is a never ending battle of which I wish I had the upper hand. Why do I give in to my weaknesses? Your eyes, your smile, your voice, your smell; all things I'd grown quite annoyingly fond of that now torment me in my memories. Is there a reason you can't get me off your mind? What do you do when you feel that small piece of you dying everyday? This is a puzzle and I'm missing the most essential piece and without it I'll never be complete. I'd give anything to erase the pictures from my cruel memory. Crushing me because my heart stays faithful to you. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have my happiness again. Driving myself insane because I can delete your pictures and throw away the letters but I can't erase your face from my dreams every night.

rephrase;
Don't wanna think about it. Don't wanna talk about it. Just wanna leave it where its at, the past. Yeah, you've had me for awhile. 2 years, 1 month, and 2 days to be exact but I'm letting it all go. I'm tired of wondering where you are when I'm all alone because you promised you'd be there for me. Wasn't that what you said? So many times I've heard that same line but with you I believed it. Silly, silly me for falling for that same I love you role. Once again its just me when all the lights are off. I don't need your crutch anymore. I wanna forget about everything we ever had. See, you weren't a mistake but you damn sure weren't a good idea. Crushed by the hands of my love. Its my fault because I gave you that power over me but I revoke it. You can no longer keep this chain around my heart and guide me into oblivion. Get out of my thoughts! I want something new in my life, something better. I want to wake up and be happy that I did. I need a definite change of scenery. My decision to finally let you go is a hard, drawn out process that I have to do for the good of everybody. Family and friends are tired of seeing me cry. You just do what makes you happy with little thought or care of what the end effects will be on me but I don't begrudge you your happiness. Just don't be mad when you wake up tomorrow and for the first time in 2 years I'm really not there anymore. You had your chances. Friends, turned into lovers, then back into friends? Rather, we're not friends because friends care for one another. One by one you took my dreams and they came crashing down like the walls around my heart but brick by brick I'll build these walls back until you can no longer fathom that I have one. I'm not even sure I do anymore because I can't feel it beating the way I used to. My reminder was the way you used to make it skip a beat when you'd look at me but when you walked away I think it stopped. Tick, tick, tick. All I hear is the time passing me by while I'm stuck here in never, ever land wishing you would have turned around, reconsidered your departure from my ecstasy. Boy, was I wrong when I pictured our forever? I'm sick of wondering when will be the day that I can go a whole 24 hours without one thought of you. Without missing us one time. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder but the distance has killed away my sanity. Stripping away all hopes of loving. I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt that I want this love to go away. I want to grow impartial to your leaving. I want the pain to ease, precisely. Fade away, my love, into the abyss.

put the blame on me

2009-03-11T21:27:00.000-07:00

I was thinking earlier about life. I decided that for once in my life I'll take the blame. I'll take the blame for everything in my life; past, present, future. Maybe I wasn't there like I should have been. Or was I there too much? Did I give too much or not enough? I feel horribly inadequate even though I know I gave way too much. But, I take the blame for the screaming fights. The crying nights and the words I never spoke. I understand that people break up and don't make up but why was I the one left alone? Scratch that, I was alone all along because I never let you love me. Busy adding up bills of pain from my past I never allowed you to make your own mistakes. We should have grown into each other instead of growing apart but we both have some growing up to do, right? I'm happy that you're happy and I take the blame for your previous unhappiness because that's what you want to hear. I just want it all the melt away. The memories, the pain, the feelings I keep wrapped up in my heart just for you. I want them to all just wash into nothingness. Somewhere along the long, cold road we fell in love, didn't we? Some time among the laughs, cries, smiles, hugs, kisses, and arguments I crashed into and you became a part of me. Separating you from me is what's killing me but once again I'll take the blame. Sorry for the times I focused on the bad instead of focusing on making us happy. I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm exhausted from the thoughts tormenting me so at some point I have to just let them go but I'm still not so sure that I can. Why do you have to have such a vice grip in my heart, love? I guess its my fault that I gave you the key.

growing up;

2009-03-06T22:10:00.000-08:00

I contemplated back and forth about whether I should do it or not but in the end the decision wasn't even up to my conscious mind; I just had to do it. It was what's best for my heart at the moment. I guess you can say I still care when I shouldn't and that jeopardized the friendship I ideally wanted with her. I want nothing more than to be her best friend that she can lean on and depend on when she has nobody else in the world to talk to but two years of that person being my everything can't just disappear. I thought I was ready but apparently it was wishful thinking because old feelings came back slowly but surely and I found myself jealous and upset over things I had no business being hurt about. When push came to shove I had to be real with her for myself and in fairness to her because it wasn't healthy. Maybe one day I'll be able to be there in her life for her and until then I hope she doesn't hold it against me. I just hope she knows that its not that I want it to be this way its just the way some things have to be. I still think about her everyday but its not negative things anymore. On a different note, recent events have forced me to realize that people grow up and grow apart. Nothing has to happen for these changes to occur, they just do and as much as they suck I have to just accept them as part of my life cycle. It hurts really bad to lose this person in my life but shit happens and you just have to cope with the pain. I've heard it eases as time passes so I'm just waiting for my little bit of relief to come. Its rather unfair the way things happen sometimes and I don't think that justice is always served literally but I think that karma will always see things through. My mom made really good sense when I talked to her the other night. She told me to focus on me. Not in a selfish, self-centered way but in a way that I make sure that I get what I need from every situation. She said take what I need to be happy and give the rest away. It really got me to thinking about who and what in my life is real. I've gotten a lot closer with one of my best friends and faded away from the other. I guess its true that hard times point out who really has your back and who was there for a temporary reason. I don't consider myself as a perfect person or even a flawless friend but I know that when it comes to any relationship I tend to put more effort in then I receive but that's about to end. I'm tired of trying so hard to please people who never cared about me in the first place. At the end of the day the people who are there for me are the people who care for me and when some body's missing it just shows they're true intentions. I basically just have to teach myself that things happen for a reason and I can either grow from them or let them stunt my growth and I'm not going to let them affect me anymore. These two church ladies had a conversation with me and my best friend the other day and I found myself truly listening to what one of them had to say because she spoke with such dignity and knowledge. She said something along the lines of it takes a truly sad individual to be scared of growth. If you think about it those words are truly accurate. I'm going to try out new things and see how they work for me. I plan on trying to make '09 my year. Succeed at that or not I know one thing, I won't let anybody hold me back; including myself.

kinda lovin;

2009-02-16T14:00:00.001-08:00

So, walking home from school I found one random dandelion all by itself in the grass. One yellow smear in a sea of green and it got me to thinking. I need to take my life slower. Stop and pick flowers, metaphorically. I need to enjoy the small things while they're still around. Just let the big, ugly things roll off my back and focus on the small things and important people in my life that make me happy. Imagine that. Madison happy.

don't get too comfortable;

2009-02-11T18:36:00.000-08:00

I'm making a good amount of changes in my life starting with myself. The changes are self-inflicted. Things I think will better me- not what others want. I'm tired of getting upset over dumb stuff. Its very pointless and causing me un-needed stress along the way. I'm focusing more on my school work and bestfriends. Things are going pretty good with Ashley, too. I can't really complain about much except for the fact that i'm BEAT. Meaning I'm stupid tired but its good. I finally got my state ID so I'm pretty happy about that. Now, I just need to find a damn job! This economy is going to shit, I swear. Overall, I guess I could say that I'm finally happy after a long time of just coping.

no fear, this year.

2009-01-31T17:03:00.000-08:00

Things have been going great for me since my "relationship" ended about a month ago. I've just been smiling alot more lately. Stress free is what I'd call it. No more having to worry about what another person is doing or saying. I've basically just been hanging out with my bestfriends and doing me. I've gotten alot closer with my bestfriends and that's a great thing. I decided I'm just going to have fun and focus on school. I met somebody new and I must say I don't regret that whatsoever. She's pretty frickin cool. I've also got my "booskie" in my life! Basically, this is an update saying that I'm doing ah-may-zing! PS: I love my bestfriends!

new year; new blog

2008-12-31T12:08:00.000-08:00

Since I officially have nobody to talk to about what's going on in my life I figured I'd post a blog about it. I'm hurting inside and I'm not sure how to make it any better. Basically, I fell in love almost 2 years ago thinking that the person was in love, also. Come to find out she's nothing but a lying, deceiving, manipulator. I don't understand how you can put so much into something and get so little back. When I tell you I put my everything into this female that's just an understatement. I gave her everything I had just to find out that none of it was good enough. I just wish I would have found out before I got this far into the relationship. I can't figure out for the life of me what I could have done to deserve this much heartbreak. But, I guess nobody ever can. My heart is in a million little tiny pieces and I don't know where to start to even pick them up. The only time I ever let somebody in out of fear of this happening is the time when everything blows up in my face. Sad thing is that since we were together I never messed with other people like she did so I'm sitting here with nobody to occupy my time. They say love will make you do crazy things but shit loneliness is just the same. I wish I could just wake up and forget about her. I wish I never met her. I hate that I love her. And I hate that I can't hate her.